even i am guilty of it

bleah bleah bleah~ feeling so lazy and bloated i dont feel like lifting even a finger. came home for dinner today. it was one of the rare occasions when my mum cooks dinner since she became so busy these days. a big bowl of vegetables with mushrooms and carrots (my favourite) , a huge mountain of fried fish nuggets and a great pot of vegetable soup with tofu and fishball. what's more, they are left-overs. apparently my mum and brother had eaten and the rest were not coming home. so they were left for me and my stomach only. so i sat down and tried to gorge myself with as much food as i could, hoping that it'll somehow make my mum feel better.

imagine you were her, choosing to cook amidst your busy schedule. in return, almost no one came home for dinner. furthermore, this isnt the first time. i know even i am guilty of it some time. so i asked her very directly just now "arent you disappointed?" and i managed to strike up a long conversation with her. she shared with me her recent worries at work and life. she told me how she used to run several streets to play with her cousins when she was young.

those were the days... if only everyone had time for more of such talks with one another. maybe then family and friends wont have as much misunderstandings as we have among them today. i had to swallow a whole dinosaur before i learnt this. tsk tsk~

rather enjoyed myself these few days doing maths until i get sian. oh no! =]

eczema

"Eczema is a general skin term used to describe a variety of rashes where the skin may be itchy, red & inflamed, weepy or blistering, dry, scaly and thickened. One very common example is allergic contact dermatitis. Categorized as an overactive immune system disorder, eczema affects up to 20% of the world’s population (about 1 billion people). It is not contagious.

Although eczema can develop any place on the body, it typically appears on the hands, wrists, arms, neck, upper chest, face and backs of knees. The worst symptom for many is the intense itch which leads to the itch/scratch cycle: you itch and you
scratch … further damaging the skin and thus causing more itching. Emotional stress can provoke it as well as internal and external chemical sensitivities and allergies. "

apparently the condition may be worsen when the weather gets cold when the air less humid and dry, sweating at high humidity along with heat. or the irritant may be chemicals like detergents and stuffs. however, the cause for eczema varies from people to people and the skin may get dry and flaky [like mine now] doctors treat it as a form of skin allergy which cannot be cured. the GP i consulted didnt even know about this type of skin condition.

the irritation can be curbed by watching one's diet. introduce unsaturated oil, omega 3 fatty acids and vitamin A & E recommended by iVillage. though if the skin gets too dry, apply lotion or moisturizer may aid in reducing the itch. worst thing to do when the redness and itchiness sets in is to scratch it. because this will induce the spreading of the rashes to a affect a greater area of the skin. use neutral pH soaps can help protect the skin too, as many shower foams in the market are highly alkaline. this removes our skin's natural slight acidity and will probably cause some form of irritation too.

from late night walks to early morning walks

the feeling is always there. slowly it has progressed into some form of habit for you to be by my side. dont take people around you for granted i told myself. not my friends not my family and not him. but somehow this mental reminder seems insufficient to make me act like i thought. i need a greater stimuli. writing it out? will it serve as a better reminder? let me try...

"DONT TAKE PEOPLE AROUND YOU FOR GRANTED!!!"

okay done. =]

ooolala~

been shallow these few days. just wanted so much to lie down somewhere and slack till my body rot. but it is not the right time to do that yet. i still have things that need to be done, things i need to strive for. yes i will achieve it. all of us... we will get there.

it appears for many things a balance is required. family and friends, work and play, blah blah blah... sometimes i chide myself for not knowing how to do so. the lack of balance in my life makes everything in it topsy-turvy. there was no discipline in the first place to maintain the equilibrium. when things happen i do not counter act in any way to resist the changes in my system. Le Chatelier must have never known of people like me when he invented his principle.

i get carried away too easily. i give in to temptations naturally. not questioning of the consequences of my actions. as long as instant gratification is provided i take it despite of the possible negative impacts my actions may have. i just dont bother. it is strenous to weigh the everything before doing it. like the opportunity cost to come online now is the time that could be spent on studying something more useful. then no one will see me coming online ever again.

the maid was good. the company was better. everything was good.

who are you?

humphrey~ there's a whole jumbled up process of thoughts going through me. read something that i should not have. then again i read something that touched me so much. it's a wonder how when you meet someone, you're only interacting with who they want you to know. a guy can look fierce and brutal yet when you know him, he's all nice and gentle. then again once you crossed that line and offend someone, he/she can change into someone you dont remember knowing. someone so crude and harsh, i wont even dare get myself acquainted with.

do you determine what image you project with the people you are going to meet?
if you do so, do you do it to protect yourself or for your own advantage?

it feels good

i told hui and kel. i just felt i should. and i did. the response was not bad. however i've still got my worries.. like whether the situation 2 years ago will it re-enact. but i voiced it out and it feels good. much better than before. all that has to be done now is believe trust and things will come true. in a few years time, the yellow room.. they will no longer be dreams. they will be reality. even the genting trip will come true. i dont care what the future might holds anymore. i only know i want to be with you. no more worries//

the light

seems like i've found the light, the special one to guide me through the dark. no more fear of losing my way and getting lost. no worries about not remembering to bring the voucher, someone accompanied me back to take it. all these little little things, like walking, are simple things that are enough to make me smile everyday from ear to ear. for many many years to come, the light will still be around. and i'll keep the light burning with my oil! lala~

the house will be 3 room. the master bedroom walls must be painted yellow, with one face painted orange. then there will be a small cosy single bed. that's where we'll rest every night...

my grandmother

i saw her sitting there on her usual armchair
as usual after that fateful incident took place
her legs that used to be so strong
are now shaking rather uncontrollably
she was really happy to see me and my sis
grinning from ear to ear like how she used to be
we are rare visitors of her's these few days
especially since she moved into aunt's place
she wanted to tell me something
but she couldnt mouth them out properly
then she got frustrated with herself
and cried...

i didnt know what to do but sit there quietly
watching and trying to think what was in her mind
i didnt want to say anything because i know
to ask her would only make things worse
she will only feel more vexed and cry again...
of course i dont understand how she feels
i still can express myself to people who cares
my worries are nothing compared to her pain

made me reminisce on when i was still a kid
i remembered how i look forward to weekends
how i could stay at grandma's house
going to the wet market early in the morning
bringing me to the playground before dinner
or we'd go to the coffeeshop behind her block
for fishball kuay teow mee soup.. her favourite
we were so close together
and i never wanted to go home on sundays

whenever i fell down she would pick me up
sayang me and make me happy again
now i felt so useless as i sat next to her
unable to ease her frustrations like she used to
all i did was to touch her knee gently
then hands when we were about to leave
feeble attempts to make her feel better i guess
though i am really glad to have made the trip

a glass-ful of water

"although life is often full of crap and shit - just smile"

i unburdened myself with everything that i had been suppressing for a period of time yesterday and it feels so much better now. at least i dont have to hide anymore. whatever i feel i'll speak and tell. i think things are already SOoooooo much better.

i slept again in mark goh's practical and had to see him after lesson. i swear i wont fall asleep next week if not he is going to let me wear a neck guard which will be so uncomfortable and keep my neck so straight.

as the exam pressure sets in, i can see changes in behaviours of friends around me. stress can indeed make a person change. for the better and for the worse. there are lesser smiles and laughters these days, but i'm truly glad that they have finally settled down to study since grades are so important.

it is nice to walk again and i want to keep this feeling inside me for a long time to come. yes it is different from what i used to feel in the past too. but as usual i cant pinpoint. dont know if it'll be addictive but i dont mind. walking is simple and nice. have you given it a try?

there are people who think the glass is half-empty. they are the pessimists. then again, we have the so-called optimistics who think the glass is half-full. why for me, i choose to believe that the glass will be full if i add another half a glass of water to it.

** ** ** ** **

goal setting
critical thinking
i'm seeing stars
so we go to the secret hideout
the girls together there
123456 of us ^^

what's bothering me?

VIRUS ALERT

this little virus creeps up on you while you were not looking.
then it starts spreading its viral infection all over you.
your mind and soul will slowly be taken over
do you give in to it then and let it take control of you?
the defense line is getting weaker as each day passes by
isn't it about time to strengthen it again already?
if not that barrier is going to fade away......

BEWARE