hugging my mama

it's going to be so easy
i tried to psycho myself

appreciate before losing it

i never understand why people keep saying life is short, but now i realise it is true. however the prerequisites of living such a life is goals and motivation. without both, life will be so meaningless and a day stretches into centuries before it is finally daybreak.

and also, we should never take life lightly. though it belongs to you, your life may mean alot too to someone else, maybe even more than it is to yourself. but are u wary of that? do you consider how your family and friends will feel before doing silly things to yourself? for all of the above, i doubt so.

ever wonder how you might lose the ones dearest to you? and when will this be? too far away to imagine or will it be just tomorrow? you never know when you will lose them. treasure them, not wait until they are gone before you regret. there will be no point burning incense paper and crying over their dead bodies then.

so we had our secret hideout gathering. so peaceful for deep thinkings to be done. somehow the tranquility of the place just gets to me and calm me down. with xue, ccy, choo and van. it is nice to sit there and swing our legs while we think.

then there was also the mignight expedition into the vicinity ofIMH, which has merge with many other health care service provider. walking and walking and walking and walking and walking...

can you take it?

everything is pouring in
every night is a torment
everyday has become tiresome
how long more can i cope?
i want to WALK!!!
spare me some more time please
24 hours per day is not enough
time lost cannot be made up
bye time.
SLEEP

chili crab or crab bee hoon soup

which are you?
the spicy and hot chili crab that is so full of taste
with the spices and ingredients
or the one with bee hoon that is just natural
without too much seasoning

i feel like the bee hoon
tasting rather bland and raw
not many people appreciate it
chili crab sauce was added even to enhance its flavour

need to learn to appreciate myself
not become a narcissus though
but at least accept myself for who i am
only then am i able to accept others
right? =)

feeling so bogged down by something
something i can pinpoint
something that dont seem to exist at all
or maybe its just the ailments of a stomach
that has been stretched to its ultimate most potential
all thanks to the many crabs for dinner

no brain. bullshitting.

i left my brain somewhere so far, in order to stop thinking so much and to start mugging harder... so currently i am a brainless git. ha~

reckless and bluntness do not make a good pair together.. but that did not stop me from possessing both qualities. yes, i've wrecked alot of troubles with them too. saying things i shouldnt say at the "best" of times. so much so that when the damage has been done, then i start regretting doing what i've done. it feels like shit. no point keeping my mouth shut too. i wont learn from that, but only earn myself the label of being a coward.

i wanted a world where everyone speaks their mind so that it wont be so complicated. but i was wrong. it is only going to create pandemonium throughout the entire earth. being blunt is not equivalent to being straightforward. speaking what's on your mind is good provided it doesnt hurt the other party. i link things up so slowly that i always need people to explain things explicitly to me or fail to foresee what consequences my actions will bring, thus stirring up traumas.

got myself into trouble today for telling people off. "can you stop pushing?" that i repeated so many times to the kids around me when i got pissed. i must have offended many people, no doubt. from the looks that people gave me, i pretty much assumed that what i was doing was darn crude. but i didnt care. then again i thought, it made no difference whether i told them off not, because those further away were also pushing. bah~

people to people... if you dont talk, can there still be communication as, or even more, effective? body language: eye contact, facial expressions, actions, touch... do they work better? maybe i should try conversing more with my limbs and face... instead of my big mouth.

*brains shoved aside again.

somethings

alot alot more to catch up on......

xueyi makes GREAT brownies!!!
they are so delicious i dont mind putting on weight for them.
she has all the makings of a wonderful chef!!!

dear chunying had some worries some days back.
glad to hear that things are alright now.
she was tortured by the "what ifs" for a day,
before the load was finally taken off.
her granny's all healthy and strong again it seems.

pangsai gave me a damn nice chocopie with marshmallow inside.
sinful, but it was so good i forgot about the sins.

kelda borrowed me love at dolphin bay ost..
nice NICE songs inside!!! thanks girl~
the girl who's trying to survive the piling up of assignments.

how nice it will be after A's...
work damn hard now,
for we shall enjoy the fruits of our labour later.

obligations?

do you do things because you feel obliged to or do you do it because you want to? i often see people do things because they thought that was what others want them to do, and thus they did so to please other people. is it a sense of responsibility that made them do so, and since i have none that's why i cant understand them?

18 for essay / 21 grams

gee pee was bad. i know it is much worse even than bee's pee. yeah, that is how crap. i have to talk about implications and complications of things, when i'm only given a sentence. i just dont like the idea... the fabrications of essays is just so not for me. i just want to be simple. i chose the wrong topic.. knowledge is something that is intangible, and which i should not attempt, because i do not have the ability to do so. 18 for essay, i dont need anything worse than that to tell me more. i need HELP for pee-ing gee. LOTS of help...

watched 21 grams at hui's house this afternoon. i was interested in the show because it is rated M18. but i got to see how strangers in this world can be linked up. a story of the network of relationships between this 3 people whom seem totally unrelated to each other initially. made me wonder about modern day globalisation... how it has bestowed upon us the ability to affect many other people without realising it.

everyone loses 21 grams at the very moment when they die. you. me. boy or girl. everyone. i wonder where it goes really. 21 grams is not alot, but it is still significant enough. could it be our soul? or is it something, something that even up to now science is unable to explain? something that we should neither try to know nor explain...

puipuipui

i'm poking my nose into too many business..
better keep it in before i get hurt
or someone else gets hurt...

a load of craps

felt a sudden wave of shagness overcoming me. the problem was i don't know where it hit from. unlike the tsunami where they could detect the origin of the earthquake, i have absolutely no idea where this tremor of mine hit from. and the aftershock is nothing, i repeat - NOTHING, as bad as of those many lives that were taken on that fateful day.

so i chose to believe that there will be a day when "everything's gonna be alright". like i'll say: "pui pui pui~" and they'll all go away. it's no time to wonder whether i have made the right decision. if i've decided i'm gonna stand by it adamantly. heck what is going to come out of it, things will turn out fine.

afterall we're all champions. out of the thousands of millions of sperms, the one special sperm that produced me after fusing with my mum's egg must have been the strongest. imagine the glory of winning... standing out from so many sperms... that's cool~

dont. depreciate

i wont tell what happened today
but something occurred to me.
that day when i got so fed up
of the adults talking to me,
what if one day they cant anymore?
shouldn't i be glad that
they are still fit and fully-abled,
to be standing there with me
talking animatedly to me?

it is really not easy to learn
how to appreciate everything
that is around us.
things that we take for granted
and especially people
who've always been there
thanks alot~

binging is unhealthy

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg
i binged thanks to my bad mood
from being taken as a fool
i hate this feeling man

and oh~ for friends who know
i turned down his offer le...
i'm not going to meet him

gracious? pui~

oh man.
attended my sis's graduation ceremony today at nus.
initially it was exciting.
then i got boring.
lastly it got irritating.

just before the ceremony started,
there was a reminder to turn off all handphones,
or at least set them to silent mode.
however,
throughout the certificate presentation,
cellphones rang.
loud.

after that,
everyone rises for the national anthem
before and after the ceremony.
it would have been nice and proper
to show respect to the country
by standing at attention.
but there were people taking it as a cue
to bring out their cameras and start shooting.
they were educated people mind you...

ceremony's over and the audiences move out
into the reception area.
guess what?
everyone rushed at the sight of food,
afraid that none would be left
should they be any minute slower.
those people includes my parents and god-parents.
well i said nothing really.
but i thought it to be rather ungracious.
singapore is after all such a "fine" society

the irritating thing was, i guess, the adults.
they were overly excited and "gan cheong"
which made me rather "pek chek"
it seems to me as if they were fighting,
to speak throughout the ceremony.
and i dont know who to listen to.
so i shedded tears of frustration.
BAH~ lousy tear glands of mine...

exciting trip

took a long long walk. i just could not stand to stay alone at home for too long. i walk and i walked and i walked.. from my house to hougang secondary, then took a turn and strolled the stretch of road along IMH and continued down that direction followed by another right turn just before i step into sengkang. i wasnt as brave as i thought i was. apparently, a car ran over some litter and emitted an exploding sound. i jumped, and was elevated 2-3 feet off the ground. subsequently it was all quiet and peaceful again, no one seems to mind the crack, and it was as though nothing happened at all. so i returned to concentrating on recognising where i'm trespassing. i got into buangkok region.. somewhere where only bus 27 travels and is totally unfamiliar to me. so i got worried. i was afraid i wouldnt know my way home from there. but i kept my strides going. and soon i reached that familiar area again. i was situated opposite monfort school. checking the time, i realised it wasnt early already. so i turned right like 101 does, and walked along that road until i am right before my block, right where i started from, again. and i went home..

-THE END-

-alone-again-

strawberry sundae and apple pie
to make up for being home alone
again

how....?

so i guess a guy and a girl cannot be close friends huh? so much for complaining about gender equality and sexism. everyone is stereotyping everybody else. it is all in the mind... yet along with it, comes about so much misunderstandings too. it seems pretty difficult to accept that...

my, am i not cut out to watch plays. basically their english was way above my standard, and i had difficulty trying to understand the various shows. then there were some plays where some prior knowledge on the topic was required. felt totally out of place... though there were particular scripts which were very interesting, but i too only understand parts and parcels here and there.

and hopefully things will turn out fine. or at least peaceful.

LYRICS: the blogskin which CCY dislikes. lols.

^3^

i wonder how easy it is to just forget about everything. it seems totally impossible, especially the way people are acting. i dont know how i'm ever gonna work my way out through this one ordeal. but surely there must be a way out just that i'm too pissed to think of it? the innocent people should not be pulled into the dispute..

argh.. got back my results. i cant believe it. i failed maths by a mark. never really improve for chem, but i think i did ok as compared to cohort. bio was horrible. wasnt exactly the first person to handle my exam script when they gave them back during lecture yesterday. bet i've literally told everyone THAT fateful story.. but, yeah i did very badly. an E.

euthanasia.. hmm? objection or approval?

great. school. tml.

school starts tomorrow.

the start to endless mugging. like it or not, play-time is up. the NEED to study hard have never been as great as it is now. i dont want to care what other people may think of me already. no point trying so hard anymore. if that is what they think, then let it be. i must say that i am indeed very disappointed, but i am not going to let the incident affect me any more than just disappointment. at least i know i have friends more worthy of my concerns. BAH~

signifying also, the beginning of a dilemma on how i should behave. i am so going to feel like a FAKE freak. but i guess it is better to leave things as they are. any more intrusion on my part is only going to make matters worse. be quiet. keep very very silent. no point crying over spilled milk. cant be bothered anymore. if that's how you treat, then i also have nothing to say.

thanks to hui man. if not i wouldn't have 看得那么开. no point really. all these craps are just going to pull me down. since the harm has already been done, it cannot be undone. so why let it destroy me further??? furthermore, it seems that there wont be any chance that any light will come out of it.

friends~ how nice!

wow! shuxuan messaged me this morning! it was a nice surprise to wake up to on a lousy tuesday morning, especially when i was supposed to accompany my mama and help her carry those heavy bags of stocks. not that i hate to do so, but the activity reminds me how weak my hand muscles are getting and how much i need to buff myself up a little. back to the main topic, shuxuan's message gave me a perky rise and shine today. furthermore, there was 2! what a nice girlfriend~ though bhb, but how thoughtful and sweet!!! i'll bet her (future) boyfriend will be sooo blessed to have her. thanks gal for your concern!!! it really touches my heart to find out how much you guys out there even bothers to read this crappy blog of mine. ^3^

Ben Elton - Blast From The Past

it's 2:15 a.m., you're in bed alone and the phone wakes you.

your eyes are wide and your body tense before it has completed so much as a single ring. and as you wake, in the tiny moment between sleep and consciousness, you know already that something is wrong.

only someone bad would ring at such an hour. or someone good with bad news, which could probably be worse.

you lie in the darkness and wait for the answering machine to kick in. your own voice sounds strange as it tells you that nobody is there but that a message can be left.

you feel your heart beat. you listen. and then you hear the voice in the world you least expect...

"that telephone was sounding a warning bell. something somewhere, was wrong. so much was obvious. particularly to a woman who lived alone, and Polly lived alone.

of course it might be no more wrong than a wrong number. something bad, but bad for someone else, something that would touch Polly's life only for a moment, utterly infuriate her and then be gone."

do i care?

had lotsa fun today! movie, shopping.. they seem to heal almost everything. kbox plan was ruined but god-knows it was more fun that way~ "alot like love" was cool` century square toilet was like: *WOW* walking and walking on in circles without directions and purpose, it was relaxing.. chatting and showing our concerns..

everyone has their own problems to be troubled over. however, the burden is often preferentially shared between friends. that is if one trusts another enough to confide in that particular friend. maybe today, i still have yet to gain your trust. but i do wish that one day, you will also confide your worries in me too. because i DO care for you.

and i am truly glad to realise today that i have not lost a friend i thought i had lost long ago. lol. 5 sms per day each right? i am going to do that okaes! dont think i am only joking alright mates. so nice to know that someone out there cares..

how willing are people to show that they care these days? not very huh`

the damage is done..

enough of throwing anymore tantrums.
it's like as if they even bother to care.
stop sulking like a foolish baby.
stop shedding those stupid tears.
there are still people who really cares.
i know in my heart who they are.

i just had otah. good. spicy and hot.
enough to let me taste something.
the urge to gorge myself is back.
to eat and eat until my stomach burst.
but still, like they even care.
no point hurting myself after all.

i own an original copy of JJ's album.
thanks to kelda. muacks muacks~
even more plans for tomorrow...

无畏

today i opened blogger and came into this page not knowing what to type. for fear of sayng the wrong things and offending the wrong people. i was so upset for a particular reason that it spoiled the whole of today. i sat in front of the computer stoning for as long as you can imagine, thinking.

i am who i am for a reason. thou shalt not criticise me with your own set of thinking. i do things i deemed appropriate. there was no need for an explanation to anyone.

new pants and T-shirts.

bah

i think my box just slammed shut
tightly

long grandmother story

alright at this moment i am asking myself do i want to sleep at 5 am again, do i need to change my blogskin at all, why am i doing all this? i am tired and sleepy, but i refused to go to bed. i even told my brother off [feeling ever so proud of myself] and deliberately deny him the right to touch the computer. with so much time on hand, i could well use with clocking more hours of beauty sleep. but i am NOT. these days, i cant sleep well. i dont eat alot, considering i only have 1 meal per day.

some things happened today which i thought was all my fault. they were self-induced illusions i guess. i was late for the outing by more than an hour. only 2 had reached on time. then i sat down and kept quiet. both of them remained silent, as if waiting for something. once in a while their eyes met as if there was some messages being transmitted. but i did not care then. on my mind i kept regretting i even bothered to turn up, especially since i wasnt exactly in a 'talking' mood due to insufficient sleep and a very sore throat. i could vividly imagine what i would tell them, afterwhich i would walk out of the place and move homeward bound even though i just reached. something held me back. everyone finally did managed to meet up for the shopping, i wouldnt say i still regretted going, but it wasnt exactly very fun either.

initially i was adviced not to go, to recuperate at home since i cant talk. but i went because it meant alot to me that the 5 of us can finally go out together. there were alot of plans to do so, but all of which were aborted. in the process i was honoured to be addressed as "stupid girl".

the consulting of the Court's on the telephone was disastrous. went alone and i felt like a complete idiot. all we had to do was to press 1 button and the handset can function, but i brought the whole box back again before bringing it home to press THAT synchronising button. shopped around to look for gift ideas for kelda's belated birthday. then i decided to go to the library! [yes, a miracle had happened] long break ahead, so why not read? furthermore recently i was increasingly exposed to friends who read. pasar malam followed and then home.

dont know why i narrated all these.. but it's out so might as well post. what is it that is bugging me?

haiyo yo

argh i'm so stupid. cant find the 12th and 13th item for this IQ game.. someone help me out please before my forehead turn egg-like and refuse to take off the bucket covering my face. BOoo~ where is the battery and cd??? bleahs.

sometimes i dont know what i am doing. was it even politically correct or morally appropriate? what am i even talking about? oh no... someone please slap me to wake me up. what exactly is this 'dream' concerning to? so many questions, so little answers. i am always contradicting myself. so what is the point of trying to come up with answers?

"smile: if you cant lift the corners, let the middle sag"
~nice quote from shingyuan

jus testing out

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