oohh ohhh

i spent another day
wasted on mapling
i'm so gonna die lar
feeling ever so

remorseful

xms lib farewell dinner 2005

basically me and hui went
den the ppl were like
i dunno alot of dem
wow!

but der were still a few
familiar faces and ppl who
were still friendly enuf
to say hi and talk
nv foreseen these ppl
will be those who used
to be very quiet
like eric hankee
instead of huiqi, grace..
der was selwyn n ruifeng
den jimin jason etc etc
like all the guys la
maybe guys are more
stranger friendly..

we were standing o/s
started to tok tok tok
den the topic of ghost came
haha, and i was like der
sharing what i heard b4
stories of haunting in xms
someone listen till squat down
in case sth fly up behind him
wakakakkaka

den der was dis horrible idea
to hold a green light
and walk into the dark spots
of the sch building
and pretend to be a ghost
one of those stupid times
almost tot we got into trouble
lucky ms abbey wasn't as bad
as i use to thot she was

had a nice long tok w/ mrs wong
abt me wanting to be a tr
she was advicing me all the ways
like work as sth else first
den want to settle down den be tr
or if wan be tr hold a honour 1st
because the pay diff is huge!
lala~ having a dilemma here..

heard someone dedicate song
on 93.3fm to WANG WANG
omg! how many ppl are der
who has the same name as me
boohoo~
i tot my name was a one and onli
it's damn unfair la.
humph!

HOLIDAY

is here agn!!
i swear i'm gonna
mug so hard
i duno wad's
the meaning of
"GET A LIFE"
ha~ let's see
my prowess

oh yeah!

today super high
must be due to
my agenda for
the nxt few days

1. tpjc concert w/ mel
   (tonite)
2. study w/kel,mel,hui
   (tml)
3. study w/ viv,shan
   (sun)
4. swimming w/ 5
   (mon)
5. xms lib dinner
   (mon nite)

woooooooooots~
feel so darn busy
pretty high today
was teasing mark goh
cos he keep saying
"damp" like "damn"
asked him to stop
cursing.. ha!
imma big bully...
WOOHOOO~

so happy so happy
went shopping w/ viv
talked abt alot
of things gg on
i can alwix be
v str forward w/ her
cos she's oso lidat
so we alwix got
loads to talk abt
sch, friends, family
food, clothes, jewelleries
shoes, toys, lalalalala~
hopped ard j8
pretty long doing tt
had pocky tog
strawberry for her
i had milk one
did sth so stupid
saw a handsome face
on one of the barriers
so we start posing
and taking photos
of the face on the board
haha, how fun
threw our faces too
cos a guy came out
and see wad
we're trying to do
silly but exciting!

nth's gonna spoil
my good mood now
mMmMmmmMmm..

doing my best
to think for others
trying trying trying

////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\

learning in progress

\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////

** [first]] step ~

ahha ahha ahha ahha ahha
yet another day
with so many fruitS
for thought
things tend to happen
together dont they?
lil' this and that
adds up and
becomes sth v big
and traumatising
however
i've already taken
the first 1 big step
nth's gonna stop me now

dont want things
to spoil my optimism
but i cant ignore them

a big hart i muz haf
receptive to
new perspectives
人间革命 is not ez
but still i muz try
bcos i believe in it

my karma is
catching up on me
i reap wad i sowed
tt's why i haf these probs
and thus i shud solve dem
not cower away

i shud stop thinking
of myself onli
i can try to start
thinking for others
that's my "first step"

*人间革命~change one's error to constantly improve and revolutionise

recently..

actually i've thot it thru
i shud learn to trust ppl more
hopefully i'll gain the trust of other's too
especially of those whom i dun wan to lose


i have to step out of the protective layers
i shudnt be too concerned abt my pride
i've got to do sth and it's got to be now!
dis thing shudnt have dragged for so long
it shud haf ended weeks ago
if i had dared to stand out and speak


yes, i've got to apologize to alot of ppl
for not being able to be a gud friend
but i'm going to improve
and hope things will take a turn
for the better

did sth to break thru the barrier wif "him"

at least now i made sure everything's clear

initially the problem was with me anw

so i mentioned for him not to wait

and what's left b/w us is just purely friendship

so i've made myself to believe in

friends meaning we are allowed to meet up

friends meaning we can relate to each other freely

friends meaning we care for each other

friends meaning der's no awkward feelings

hopefully things will work out better this way

confusion & embarrassment in school
stupid sam had to go and msg jj
der wasn't anything going on
she made it seem as if der is
and now i'm afraid he tinks i'm interested
what to do... i'm already in the hiding
just avoid direct contact with him at all

should i go NIE or SADM

mummy wont be pleased wif SADM

sister wont be pleased to hear NIE

but out of the many courses

these 2 are of which i'm interested in

others in the science faculty

they dont interest me at all

the job prospectives and stuffs

they're just so mundane

i've my heart and mind settled

it's either NIE or SADM

but which to choose from?

SADM's my dream hobby interest

NIE's more for money and stability

dont deny tt i enjoy giving tuition tho

so which should i choose?

changed my blogskin agn

this time more of coding than graphic

see what i mean my interest?

tho it's not good enough

at least i feel good doing it

"dream or stability?"

slapping myself.. hard

i said sth i shudn't have
feeling ever remorseful
was there an alternative?
i realli dont know..
how i wish i had someone to talk to
someone i can realli trust
but it seems pretty hard these days
i cant open up to anyone
not anymore..
i am but an artichoke

depression = suicidal?

was watching the talk show on channel u just now

"有话就说 shoot" 9.15 pm (fridays)

the topic was about the increasing tendency
of teenagers committing suicide due to depression


initially when i saw the commercial,
i admit i was snortling away like a pig
at how stupid the interviewed teens were.
however after watching,
i sincerely apologize for ridiculing at them


there were various mental conditions mentioned
particularly, i was interested in
"borderline personality"
brought up by the guest psychologist
ppl with this condition do not know who they are,
as in what kind of personality they really have..
there has been a steady rise in the no. of this case
and i strongly believe this has got sth to do with all the stereotyping by the media and society in present times.


reasons for depression?

1. peer pressure
2. emotionally unstable
3. loss of a friend/family

advices given?

1. talk to an adult (parent/tr)
2. parents have to show that they are concern
3. consult a cousellor

the teens attempted suicide in various ways

1. tried to jump off the building
2. cut her wrists (自残）

it was also adviced,
when ur friend approach u
saying he/she wants to commit suicide,
dont take it as a joke or take it lightly.
check whether he/she is serious abt it
by asking how he/she plans to die...
if the friend manage to relate the plan
immediately bring it to attention to an adult


teenagers are always more vulnerable
as this is a period when we are growing up
we experience alot of changes so much so
that to some we dont know how to react
or what to do abt it


hormonal imbalance does not help too
suddenly there's all these chemicals
rushing within ur bloodstream
making u react weirdly to everything
ur emotions just dont make sense anymore
1 moment u're laughing
the other, u're crying so badly


and on top of everything
there's the stress to do well in studies
we have to cope with so many things
juggling life, family, friends and studies.


i'm starting to believe that those who survived are indeed
^ SUPERMAN^

"when all that u see are only shadows, turn around to look for the source of light"

CANCER ---- 1 in 3 people

it's been some time since ppl first learned abt cancer.
and then in recent times, its been reported that
increasing no. of ppl are getting cancer...
in fact the cancer research funded by Wee Kim Wee
had stated that 1 in 3 ppl will contract cancer
if they never do anything to prevent it.

when i say cancer,
i'm referring to the malignant growth
ppl may have which may lead to death
not the horoscope, which
is reflected as a crab

how scary can this be?
this means that on a bus carrying 54 passengers,
there are 18 ppl with malignant tumours
and out of a national population of 4 million
there are more than 1 million ppl with cancer.
in a country as small as singapore,
this figure is indeed shocking.


heard of a few more cancer cases ard me agn
and yet there are still ppl assuming that
it's impossible for them to have cancer at all
they jus refuse to take in the advices u give
all these health campaigns going on
are they really sufficient to warn ppl
just how serious the situation can become?


true ppl are more n more educated
but there are still a handful
who refuse to take advice from what they learn
sad, but true...
maybe there is some way everyone can help,
to prevent the situation from aggravating?

dammit

i totally hate it, when i look back on the day to realise i've wasted all of my time. doing what? playing maple.. watch tv eat.. ha~ what else am i capable of doing rite. yet again i've idled away 1 whole day.. why? tell me why is it that i always procrastinate during the weekends? there must be some way to solve this. and i will think of it.


career seminar tml in school. teachers must have planned pretty long for the event, and even allowed us to dress in office wear to sch for the seminar. but apparently, many ppl out there apparently dont understand this fact and they're all gonna wear sch uniform to sch. is it really so tough to just get a set of working shirt? i believe it's a matter of want or not. i dont know why, but i'm so pissed off when ppl tell me they want to wear sch uniform tml. feels like we're not giving the teachers enough face.


guess what? i just heard that someone else has fallen for cheryl again.. ppl think that she's the sweet type one.. ha~ i dont know what to tell them. from what i heard, she appears to be a heartbreaker. she have made many guys in sch eating out of her hand. i just dont understand why ppl like her still can manage to have so many admirers..


zzzzzzzzz.. what is the whole world coming to?

i'm gg to heaven..

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Greed: 20%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die while sleeping - and no one will notice.

How Sinful Are You?

i'm confused bout my personality

Your #1 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #2 Match: ISFP

The Artist You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy bueaty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs. You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.

Your #3 Match: ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer.

Your #4 Match: ESFJ

The Caregiver You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first. A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change. You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project. You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people. You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.

Your #5 Match: ISTP

The Mechanic You are calm and collected, even in the most difficult of situations. A person of action and self-direction, you love being independent. To outsiders yous eem impulsive, surprising, and unpredictable. You are good at understanding how all things work, except for people. You would make an excellent pilot, forensic pathologist, or athlete.

What's Your Personality Type?

apparently i have split personality according to the test:

The Keys to My Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

self reflection - sick and tired of everything

have all the problems that occured this year be because of my own change in mentality? have i come to this stage where i dont trust anyone anymore? was it because of what happened right at the start of this year? why do i feel that everything that has happened are linked up all of a sudden?


never able to forget that fateful day. never able to understand why i did it to make myself so miserable. but what's happened happened. fated or not, we'll have to leave it to destiny. i know it sounds like rubbish, all this crap about fate and destiny, but i really dont know what else i can do to resolve it. in fact i dont see that it'll be resolved at all.


all this problems about friends and relationships.. it's really getting to me. i have always felt left out, ever since i was a child, i have always felt friendless. despite having companions, there were always none whom i really thought with. thought with as in shared my weals and woes. but this year, somehow i realised i'm the idiot here. i never had a true friend because i never let them in. last year, i thought i would be able to get rid of that shadow when i got to know "the gang".


yes i did change. i begin to think out loud, telling them almost everything about me. i started to treat them like my friends. not just companion but real friends. but then again, something happened. i'm now beaten back to square one again.


sinhui mentioned something today, something that affected me pretty badly. "u only ask me out once every year, and that's on my birthday." as shown from this i have been a really bad friend haven't i? i always never contact anyone unless i need them. that's another thing i found out sometime back. but have it said into my face, that's another thing. it made me think about it more. sinhui always say things that wake me up. she just have this power.


all this crap about friendship and being there for each other, i'm sick and tired of hearing it. deep down inside me, i just cant seem to convince myself to believe it. i'm envious of xue's ability to make friends and still keep in contact with them. how she seem so close with all her friends. why cant i learn from her? why cant i just stop being so stubborn? am i going to continue behaving like this at the cost of my true friends who have sticked by me all these years?


know what happened? i was surfing friendster.. what i saw? i wasn't in mel's list of closely connected friends. yepp so apparently i have no right to read her full profile. and she's my friend for like 11 years. i's not a joke, this year's the 11th year. and our friendship has come to naught for her. obviously i am but a companion to her too. someone she will hang out with, but never one she'll share with. i use to think the problem lies with her, but after her attitude has improved in recent years, the problem is still present. so, the problem lies with me! tadah~


at kbox today, i'm conveniently nearly invisible. that's what i feel. vivien can be a really nice friend, that i know. yanshan is all bubbly and outgoing, she can mix with anyone. but i still cant join in the fun totally with them. normal days in school, i already felt the barrier, only it was amplified so many times today, i cant ignore it anymore.


unknowingly, i've also broken someone's trust at the start of this month. conveniently, i post alot of things here, thinking that no one bothers enough about me to come and read. however, she did care and she came and read something i commented on her. i wun apologize for writing what i wrote because i really meant them. however, what i did was i failed to clarify other things that she had misinterpretated. actually someone in this world cared. and i have broken this trust. how i'm going to reconcile on this matter, i really dont know. because i can understand that she prefers not to bother about other's matters now. she believes that it's only going to hurt her more. so what can i say? whatever i say, it's only going to open her wound.


so what's my problem really? why am i behaving like the world's biggest freako? why am i so afraid to get close to others? why cant i accept others? why am i so selfish? why is it that i can never relate myself to others? why is it that i cant express myself? why? why? why?

shouldn't i question myself why i want and need friends first? if i want them for the wrong reasons, then shouldn't i no have friends? because i'll only be their burden...

being an artichoke wont solve my problems, it'll only hide my problems so that i can ignore them. but how long can this go on? i'm damn sick and tired of myself running away from all this problems. why am i such a coward, to fear standing up and facing problems as they come, and to shiver at the thought of clearing things up with those who care?
*COWARDICE - Ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.


but then again, who can i tell all these too? no one. absolutely no one. the stabbing pain inside, the misery and the sufferings are all self inflicted. even if i tell someone, he/she will only be more convinced that i'm born an idiot. by then, i might even lose 1 more "companion". wont that bring me more misery too? that's why it's better to keep to myself. somehow it's easier to convince myself that and keep my big mouth shut.


i know remaining as who i am now will improve nothing. but, i also cant seem to think of something that's gonna make things better. maybe not until before i learn to trust, this mouth of mine will remain stuffed full of gold and refuse to open, in case any precious things fall out.


i always have the right to remain silent.

"i wish u talk to me"

u said so in ur nick,
who're u referring to?
how i wish U will talk to me,
how i yearn to see u again
so many things i hoped for
they're just totally not coming true


**[totally]] sick and tired of everything~

left...out?

why do i feel like i'm missing out on alot of things?


ostracised,
自闭，
lonely,


again

stop dreaming ALREADY

what were i thinking man
to have that kind of imagination
absolutly dreaming of the impossible
time allow wounds to heal
but how long a period i need
i dont know.. may forever..

i hate schooooooooool

i totally hate to go back to school these few days.
be it the work, teachers and even friends.
how i wish i have my secondary school friends by my side again.
we just always manage not to quarrel.
there were never "i buay song u, u buay song me" incidents.
not like now, when this happens literally everyday.
people pointing fingers at others,
accusing them of everything when they themselves are doing it.
i understand it must be due to the pre exam stress
but must they behave like kids? i mean hello children,
that's life for u to understand. sometimes things go ur way,
sometimes they dont. and when they dont,
dont throw ur temper like a 3 year old toddler for goodness sake.
how old are u already? 18.. E-I-G-H-T-E-E-N!!!!
and u're still behaving like that... WTH
i'm so bothered i dont feel like going school anymore.
not to mention stress added on top of those from schoolwork
as if those amount of pressure isnt enough
i still have to suffer more with everything.


i just hate school

feeling all PMS-y and menopausal

why must u come and confuse me again
when i thought i have manage to let go??
what do u want from me?
i just totally feel like shit
completely like the world's biggest idiot
so much so i dont know why i'm here
i dont know why i'm struggling to live


stop toying with my feelings
i dont want to hear or see u now
there's nothing to talk about now
just "leave me alone"

feeling totally

-______________________-

generally

been addicted to maple again
however this time is SEA version
and i'll make sure that the GM
dont mess up my account again
so affected when i came back from cheena
and found out my account is invalid


sprained my ankle last friday
me and my clumsiness again la
talking with xueyi on my way home
till so agitated i missed a step and...
~ OUCHIE
well it's swollen and yellow again
this time well wrapped up
got experience at applying ointment already
it's like what?
2nd time this year
and it's still only early may