self reflection - sick and tired of everything

have all the problems that occured this year be because of my own change in mentality? have i come to this stage where i dont trust anyone anymore? was it because of what happened right at the start of this year? why do i feel that everything that has happened are linked up all of a sudden?


never able to forget that fateful day. never able to understand why i did it to make myself so miserable. but what's happened happened. fated or not, we'll have to leave it to destiny. i know it sounds like rubbish, all this crap about fate and destiny, but i really dont know what else i can do to resolve it. in fact i dont see that it'll be resolved at all.


all this problems about friends and relationships.. it's really getting to me. i have always felt left out, ever since i was a child, i have always felt friendless. despite having companions, there were always none whom i really thought with. thought with as in shared my weals and woes. but this year, somehow i realised i'm the idiot here. i never had a true friend because i never let them in. last year, i thought i would be able to get rid of that shadow when i got to know "the gang".


yes i did change. i begin to think out loud, telling them almost everything about me. i started to treat them like my friends. not just companion but real friends. but then again, something happened. i'm now beaten back to square one again.


sinhui mentioned something today, something that affected me pretty badly. "u only ask me out once every year, and that's on my birthday." as shown from this i have been a really bad friend haven't i? i always never contact anyone unless i need them. that's another thing i found out sometime back. but have it said into my face, that's another thing. it made me think about it more. sinhui always say things that wake me up. she just have this power.


all this crap about friendship and being there for each other, i'm sick and tired of hearing it. deep down inside me, i just cant seem to convince myself to believe it. i'm envious of xue's ability to make friends and still keep in contact with them. how she seem so close with all her friends. why cant i learn from her? why cant i just stop being so stubborn? am i going to continue behaving like this at the cost of my true friends who have sticked by me all these years?


know what happened? i was surfing friendster.. what i saw? i wasn't in mel's list of closely connected friends. yepp so apparently i have no right to read her full profile. and she's my friend for like 11 years. i's not a joke, this year's the 11th year. and our friendship has come to naught for her. obviously i am but a companion to her too. someone she will hang out with, but never one she'll share with. i use to think the problem lies with her, but after her attitude has improved in recent years, the problem is still present. so, the problem lies with me! tadah~


at kbox today, i'm conveniently nearly invisible. that's what i feel. vivien can be a really nice friend, that i know. yanshan is all bubbly and outgoing, she can mix with anyone. but i still cant join in the fun totally with them. normal days in school, i already felt the barrier, only it was amplified so many times today, i cant ignore it anymore.


unknowingly, i've also broken someone's trust at the start of this month. conveniently, i post alot of things here, thinking that no one bothers enough about me to come and read. however, she did care and she came and read something i commented on her. i wun apologize for writing what i wrote because i really meant them. however, what i did was i failed to clarify other things that she had misinterpretated. actually someone in this world cared. and i have broken this trust. how i'm going to reconcile on this matter, i really dont know. because i can understand that she prefers not to bother about other's matters now. she believes that it's only going to hurt her more. so what can i say? whatever i say, it's only going to open her wound.


so what's my problem really? why am i behaving like the world's biggest freako? why am i so afraid to get close to others? why cant i accept others? why am i so selfish? why is it that i can never relate myself to others? why is it that i cant express myself? why? why? why?

shouldn't i question myself why i want and need friends first? if i want them for the wrong reasons, then shouldn't i no have friends? because i'll only be their burden...

being an artichoke wont solve my problems, it'll only hide my problems so that i can ignore them. but how long can this go on? i'm damn sick and tired of myself running away from all this problems. why am i such a coward, to fear standing up and facing problems as they come, and to shiver at the thought of clearing things up with those who care?
*COWARDICE - Ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.


but then again, who can i tell all these too? no one. absolutely no one. the stabbing pain inside, the misery and the sufferings are all self inflicted. even if i tell someone, he/she will only be more convinced that i'm born an idiot. by then, i might even lose 1 more "companion". wont that bring me more misery too? that's why it's better to keep to myself. somehow it's easier to convince myself that and keep my big mouth shut.


i know remaining as who i am now will improve nothing. but, i also cant seem to think of something that's gonna make things better. maybe not until before i learn to trust, this mouth of mine will remain stuffed full of gold and refuse to open, in case any precious things fall out.


i always have the right to remain silent.